It's been a long time since I've posted .... and it's been a long winter. Robert & I have been planning the build of our new cottage since last fall & we're getting antsy now. Robert & his builder friend, Gilbert, insist that we don't need an architect to draw plans on such a simple home, but the design of certain facets don't come easily to me & I wish we had an architect to discuss things: I am stumped by the placement of the beams in the living room & dining room. I wish I understood how the screen porch will connect to the house, and I want the planning to be over. I can't wait for the build to be over ... I want to knit by a window in my new living room, I want to make tea looking out of the kitchen window, I want to have my morning coffee in the screened-in porch. Most of all, I wish cats were more portable. They hate to travel in the car & get severely car sick & stressed. I will miss my Sasha on the weekends when the time comes. What will I do without him? He brings me so much joy ... more than any other kitty with whom I have ever had the privilege of sharing my life. 

I have embarked on a weight loss program (again, sigh)... my weight is straining my back & shoulders, & I hate the way people treating me now. I'm often the biggest person in the room, yet people act like I am insignificant. My opinions seem to matter less, especially at work.

I took a break from knitting while I planned our new house & now that I have resumed, I am rusty. I am making mistakes left & right ... frogging on even simple projects. I will soldier on.

I gave away my dollmaking stuff today. When I packed it up yesterday, I was sooo down - I felt like I was mourning a death. It was such an important part of my life, for so long. I had such high hopes when I began. And I had so much fun & it led me to meet so many great people. Sometimes I miss dollmaking, but I no longer have the energy to dedicate to it. Maybe one day, I will take it up again. In the meantime, I knit. But I need a more creative outlet ....so I will seek it out. I will keep you posted. 
 

Cottagin again .......
We sold our cottage in June, and it was a miserable summer. Robert was severely depressed. I wanted a getaway ..... maybe rent a cottage for a month - but was blown away by how much it cost. So I had an idea.
What if we bought some land? On a hilltop, closer to our friends. Build a tiny "summer" house we can close up for the winter to save money? No lake frontage would mean lower taxes. A place with just one or two bedrooms, all on one floor.
Well, we bought the land, a gorgeous wooded hilltop lot with a view over Lake Harrington. Just under an acre, with the front of the lot touching on the Lake Association's beach. Perfect for when I abduct my grandson for a weekend ..... & his dog.
But we face  unexpected limitations on what we can build; no less than 915 sq ft footprint, must be winterized, must have an eco-flo septic system, no barnwood exterior, has to have a real foundation, etc. So of course, it's going to cost a lot more than I had originally planned, even if Robert will be building it with a buddy of his.
Robert went from being depressed to being worried about going over budget. Who knew wells were so expensive to drill? That septic systems & driveways were so costly? 
I, on the other hand, have had to mourn the loss of a dream house in order to accept one that will easier on the budget. At least we'll have a screened-in porch. And lots of windows with a view.  And a wood stove.
Although I said we would close up in November, I am now thinking ... maybe we can come up on Christmas Day? Maybe we can close up for January, February & March? Save on heating & pass on the hair-rising driving conditions ..... 
I sometimes think this is crazy, as I need to save more money for retirement. But we are miserable without a cottage. And our friends are in Harrington. So here we go again.
In a few months I will smell like "eau de" bugspray, again. And I won't be knitting for awhile.

A New Year

2012 has arrived. I am at the cottage, but I will be returning to the city tomorrow, to return to a life of work & bills & errands. And Mindy, my 8 year old Persian. We didn't bring her with us because she gets horribly car sick. She has an enlarged heart now & I didn't want to stress her. But she is probably lonely & she will be grateful when we return. She is not a lap cat, but I love her & I have missed her. Minus all that hair, she is a small cat, just 7 1/2 lbs or so. She is timid, shy, strong, yet dainty.

I, on the other hand, am not timid, shy, strong or dainty. I will be 53 next month, & I need to lose some serious weight. That will be my main challenge for 2012. That & a resolution to learn to be calmer - not my strong suit.
I have been thinking about my daughter. When she was born, I vowed not to make the same mistakes as my parents.But I made new ones. And though I can atone for those, I know now that I cannot change who I am completely. Being a mother has taught me a lot about myself, including the realization that I perhaps should not have become a mother in the first place. I don't seem to have the reservoir of patience & selflessness that is required.
I have been knitting this past week - a deep red shawl with textured stitches & bobbles, in sportweight. I have knit 450 yards & it is still far too small. Thankfully, I have more yarn, so I can add to it. People say I have a lot of patience to knit. I disagree. Knitting has made me more patient. As I sit down & wind the feed yarn around my pinky, I feel the stress leave my body. Now all I need is Mindy to lie down beside me & fall asleep, so I can hear her soft snoring between the clicks of my needles.

It's Christmas day. Tomorrow, we drive to the cottage. This photo reminds me of White's Road, the last 5-8 minutes of the drive to the cottage. We will be staying for one week - a perfect way to end this challenging year. Robert is on the mend & hopefully cancer-free. It's the only thing that really matters.

I have been knitting, of course. Diana, my daughter, went home with one of my shawls yesterday. I will be knitting at the cottage, but I also brought supplies to make a beaded necklace or two. And I am bringing my camera & iPod.
It's amazing how the internet & technology has opened up our daily lives - Facebook has helped me know my Italian cousins better, kept me up to date with my nieces, helped me reconnect with old work colleagues & far away friends, helped me learn new hobbies, & helped me make new knitting friends. My iPod has helped me find my old self through the music of my youth.
So life is good again. And I can knit with contentment.

Mixed bag ...

This month, on Oct-16th, Robert & I celebrated out 1st wedding anniversary - we married after 25 years together. Also a year ago, our beloved Shaded Silver Persian, Shadow, passed away - we still miss him every day.
A few weeks ago, we learned that Robert had prostate cancer. He lost his job 18 months ago & he was feeling pretty low already, but his bad luck continues. He will be trying a new treatment, HIFU, on Nov-24th. Until then, I feel we are in suspended animation.
And so I knit, as nothing calms me more than knitting a simple project. The shawl I am working on is a deep green & a vibrant ochre - which remind me of the fall colours that I see at our lakehouse. The deep green of the evergreens, the brilliant gold of the leaves, both are reflected in the stitches of this shawl.
And I knit, & knit. Or I will become frozen with anxiety. It's meditative, much like praying with rosary beads, which I haven't done since a was a child. I left religion a long time ago. I wish it could provide me with the comfort I need, but it never did. So where do I find comfort? I knit.....

Knitting Red & Remembering Shadow

I am knitting today - a cranberry red cardigan. I feel like being quiet because Robert & I attended a party on Friday night - something we haven't done in years. It was a reunion of old friends in the factoring industry here in Montreal. We went to our old watering hole, the Sir Winston Churchill Pub. It was great to see the old faces.
As I posted reunion photos on Facebook, I found some old photos of our beloved Shadow. He passed away last October after years of struggling with a complex disease - he was just 6 years old when he died. And Robert & I miss him terribly. Shadow was unusual because he loved people so much. He wasn't afraid of anyone, not even my rough & tumble baby grandson, Nathan, who mauled him at every turn. Shadow always remained within inches of Nathan, within inches of anything remotely interesting. He loved anyone that came to the door (think Pizza, Chinese food, etc) & mingled with strangers when we held parties in our home. He was insanely affectionate & curious. We joked that he was bipolar because he was so intense. And persistent. And he constantly played with shadows, even his own - hence the name. We love you, Shadow. You will always be in our hearts.

Toe in the water

I'm sitting here, at my lakeside cottage, looking at the lake & our dock & thinking.
My husband & I have this beautiful lake house in the country, with 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, yet visits from family & friends are very rare. It's seems like our city friends (we live in Montreal, Canada) are not fond of the country. Or me. Not sure which. And in the 7 years we have been cottaging, I've found it hard to make friends here.
I work as the Chief Underwriter of a large factoring & asset-based factoring company in Montreal. Although I can be a hard-nosed business person, I also love crafts: I've made dolls, I've sewn, I've embroidered, and now I am completely addicted to knitting. This seems to be a contradiction to most people, although it makes perfect sense to me. Crafts take me away from the business world, allow me to re-charge & relax in a way that I don't get with sports, cooking, etc. Yet many "crafty" women are intimidated by me (job, budget,strong personality, etc). At least, that's what I think it's all about. I may be wrong, but no one is telling me.
So I sit on the porch & knit. A lot.
.